Scotland's worst invention

I hate golf. Not the game itself, that is actually okay. It is the codified version of the throwing-stones-as-near-to-a-tree game as possible. Hardly Chess but good fun nonetheless. But everything else about the sport is just awful. Lets start at the most obvious namely the clothes. "Awful" being generous damn generous. I am told it is possible to play golf without looking like a twat however it seems this fact is something that some players choose to ignore. This is easily demoed by picking the "best" images of a quick google image search:

A golfer looking silly

More daftly dressed golfers

O, and if Golf clubs graciously allow women to play they also get ridiculous clothes or outfits that make them look like Amy from the Big Bang Theory.

A female golfer looking like Amy from the big bang

It is almost like someone sat down with a fashion designer and said "I want you to close your eyes and imagine patterns and colours that don't belong outdoors. Okay got that? Now make them into something I can wear outdoors. O, in case it rains and gets muddy I'll need a bright colourful plastic oversuit.".

Now many sports have restrictions on clothing, take snooker for example. But in training snooker players could have worn speedos for all the clubs could care. Wearing something as subversive as a plain T-shirt when training in golf will generally get you kicked off most golf courses.

The reason for the clothing style is the Boyece style elitism of the average club (Boyece was a pompous 2nd hand car salesman from a council estate in the 80/90s UK TV show "Only Fools and Horses"). The clubs set clothing and rules to comply to their vision of the ideal member. The problem being the group think inevitably creates a chimera of aging middle class members ideals. A monster born of mediocrity, elitism and snobbery. A trouser and collared shirt wearing short haired retired male who is has a degree in courtesy, a bank loaded with money and drives a BMW too fast. People who don't conform to this beautiful ideal and who want to just play the sport are not to be trusted and barred from entry if at all possible.

Like the ideal player the courses are also weirdly unnatural. The large areas of thirsty monoculture grass kept too short to provide decent cover are not exactly a blessing to local wildlife (thou alas most modern farming isn't better). Golf courses don't try to fit in with the surroundings they flip nature the bird and stamp their what-nature-should-be template into the local environment. 

Golf Courses stamped into the land

A beautiful example being the Tiger Woods Desert gold course. Although this failed the aerial shot below beautifully demonstrates just how horrific this stamping of a course template into any environment really is. 

Tiger's failed golf course

When ever a Golfer says he is dying to get back to outdoors to nature what he generally means is he is dying to get into what he wants nature to be like, a strictly controlled short fluffy colour coded sports venue. Golf courses like these are what nature would be like if God was a Nazi (and existed). Even a Nazi god would struggle to justify the elitism celebrated in the upper levels of professional golf. Unlike pretty much any other mainstream sport, golf embraces and celebrates its elitism and rampant sexism. This is well known but still awful. You can always see for yourself by looking at images from a google image search for top 10 female golfers:

Typical images of female golfers scantily clad
More scantily clad female golders
Okay so that is good practical clothing for a trip to a windy rainy scottish course. But am I being inconsistent here, damning them for being unfashionable then damning them for sexy clothing? No I am bloody well not. There is a vast array of clothings that doesn't make you look like a colourblind fool and that you also won't freeze to death in if you venture outside in winter.  

So that's sexist, elitist, nature-hating and eye-hurting all ticked. But we all knew this. Crass parodies like happy Gilmore or Caddyshack only work as films due to the humour in imaging the wild characters they contain in this stuck up world. We know that such characters would not be tolerated in Golf in real life and so their existence is inherently funny, like a penguin in an office meeting. Alas this also means you can't mock the Golfing lifestyle to Golfers as its very existence is the parody and they missed the joke. Rather than laughing they might pass your satire as their next club law.

If all this hasn't convinced you the high priest of bastardness Donald Trump loves it. Golf is awful, case closed.

King Twat Donald Trump